mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
