she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
