don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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