My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
im holly from the hills drunk
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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