margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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