After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
