Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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