By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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