Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
We need to rekindle our bromance
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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