I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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