Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
