now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
