He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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