We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
