I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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