Even the bartender felt bad for me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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