Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
