U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
