Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
