i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
