he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
