Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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