If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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