I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
