so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
