there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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