I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
