hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
