We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
