you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
