Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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