dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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