i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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