I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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