this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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