Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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