peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
