matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
