I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
