Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
