I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
