Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
