My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My life is pants optional.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
