I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
