so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
