Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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