you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
