i think my mom watched the whole time
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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