I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
