It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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