Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
God I need to hump something, right now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
