So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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