I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
