I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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