Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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