I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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