The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize