playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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