I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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