She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
