I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The best revenge is premature balding
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
